So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have aggressive nipples.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
