The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
