turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
