I think im going to throw up on grandma
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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