My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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