he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I need to stop coming to work sober
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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