Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
