wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
