So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
