well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
