??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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