she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
