Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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