Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize