I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
