my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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