A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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