We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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