If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
