I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
