woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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