I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize