I'm jealous of your bromance
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
