I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
