Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
