The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
