gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
