turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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