Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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