it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
