maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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