don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Holy sore nipples Batman
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
