I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
