Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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