bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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