why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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