I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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