His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
