Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
