I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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