apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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