I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
