11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
be right there i have to get my cape
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
