farters have to be the big spoon...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
