someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
