I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
