HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
