Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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