just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize