So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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