either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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