i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
