The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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