somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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