Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
