I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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