Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
