all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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