Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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