sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
